I, me, after-- No. Abigail: So first, you must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, please, sir, justhold on! He's beenmarinated in it. I hit her with an ax handle, burn her c*nt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, f*** her, kill her, and take a sh*t on her dead body! Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. I thought he'd never leave! O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! The 100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Marie, my little one,you're going to be as beautifulas your mother. O'Malley: Oh, how sweet. Look at this! Sorry, it was half Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? (Laughter) That joke's been "around." Something horrible is happening. They're in the trunk! Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? What is the Jawi script exactly and why did they stop using it in from www.quora.com. O'Malley: [ Chuckles ]Keep your whiskers up, Toulouse Ol'Tiger. It falls over, shrieking. But first, introductions. And he says, "The Osbournes.". WebThe Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. [Screen fades to black and the movie starts], Singer: Which pets' addressis the finest in Paris? For other uses, see, "Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes", "Diving Deep Into the Dirtiest Joke Ever in 'The Aristocrats', "After a 9/11 Joke Bombed, Gilbert Gottfried Told the Dirtiest Joke in Comedy", https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=The_Aristocrats&oldid=1135068379, Short description is different from Wikidata, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License 3.0, This page was last edited on 22 January 2023, at 12:47. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. [sings] A guy so swell. He's just helping us to get to--. "Slip of the hand, dreamland.". His name is O'Toole. Come on! Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Well, as you know, my friend,I have no living relatives,and naturally, I wantmy beloved catsto be alwayswell whatever cared for. I mean, oh, each cat will liveabout 12 years. While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?". Don't worry. Edgar Balthazar: Careful, sir. "The Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. You are a great talent. What's this? [The workers take the trunk and drive away. Edgar! and the father goes, "Watch us." Go on! Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. Something smells awfully good. Thank goodnessit was only a dream. He then describes a Hieronymus Boschlike tableau of torture. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! They got rubber feet. You're too much. Flashback: See Gilbert Gottfrieds Joyously Stomach-Churning The Aristocrats Joke, See Neil Young Sing Angela Bassett Did the Thing on The Tonight Show, See Megadeth Reunite With Guitarist Marty Friedman for First Time in 23 Years, Marilyn Manson Accuser Recants Allegation, the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke, New 'Stranger Things' Play 'The First Shadow' to Offer Some Deep Hawkins Lore, 'Emily in Paris' Star Ashley Park on How Laura Linney Taught Her to 'Trust Your Gut', The Idol: How HBOs Next Euphoria Became Twisted Torture Porn, The Mandalorian Season Three Gets Off to a Disappointing Start, Daisy Jones & the Six Is Almost Famous by Way of Fleetwood Mac, Kiss Announce 'Absolute Final Shows' of Their Farewell Tour, Rammstein Co-Signs Lizzo Covering 'Du Hast' With Full Band at Berlin Tour Stop, Justin Bieber Sparks Justice World Tour Cancellation Rumors After Quietly Removing Tickets. Beau Weaver: And now, our feature presentation. O'Malley: Lay some skin on me,Scat Cat. Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. Duchess: Perhaps! All thoselittle kittens of yours, Duchess. Let's getout of here. Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! [Screen fades from black, showing some of the locations from the film]. Marie: But, mama, do wehave sparklingsapphire eyes that dazzle too? The shift in editing over to pages for the movies, characters, actors, directors, composers, crew and galleries is now fully in effect. Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. Sleep well. Whoo-whoo! It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. I know it's Georges. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. Frou-Frou: Hurry, Roquefort. 2023. AND BAM! Title of infamous joke without a punchline. [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. Groove it, cat! [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. You should pronounce my name correctly. It's just, "Here we go, "folks. The real joke is, it's not a [The screen flashes again, but this time with the white screen fading to a black background with text saying "Coming to Theaters Summer 1996"]. From the theater.to your living room. Uncle Waldo: Why,I say there, now. They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". You know, I mean, one of those--. I'm doin' fine! It looks like a serated sea snake. And the talent agent says, "Sorry, we don't sign family acts. Ooh. (2x)[Coughing]Hey! Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[Humming]. Because no one is gonna book this show! [ Chuckling ]. Hey! Get out! How are you doing that? Duchess: Now, now, darlings. Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. This family, mother, father, four kids. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. [Offscreen]Good riddance. Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. O'Malley: [offscreen]See ya around, tiger! And for goodness sakes,do be careful! Roquefort:[ Muttering ]Why did I listen to that O'Malley cat!? Duchess: Oh! Roquefort:Don't worry about me! Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. To my cats. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. Roquefort:B-But honest, guys! Lil' Rush Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? After it! It's a totally different show. [Screaming][Coughing]. Beautiful. You take this position. I'm tryin'to get to shore. Look at that bridge! I'm not at home at all. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. I've only got one. And I always throw in that. Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. [We cut to Robin Williams in the recording booth]. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. I love 'em. I do believeyou've been drinking. Napoleon: Wait a minute! Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. Good. What happenedto your lovely tail feathers? He's been hereall the time. [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. Toulouse, where are you? Napoleon: I'm the leader. Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. And poor Madamedidn't sleep a wink either. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, they won't find a clueto implicate me. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? [onscreen]The baggage truck willbe here any moment now. August 12, 2005 They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing] Oh, Berlioz. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Frou-Frou neighs. Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! Scram! Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". Sounds like a gangof swinging hep cats. O'Malley: Duchess. Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! 0. But it is notquite Shakespeare. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. That's 'causeI practice all the time. Perhaps a magic carpet built for two? Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. They'll be gone. Duchess: Marie, darling. Run! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. If I said "magic carpet," okay? Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. Who do you want me to sue, eh? That seems to make the whole joke. The Aristocats! Revisit bob sagets take on the aristrocrats, one of the filthiest jokes. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: You're a shamelessflatterer, Georges. Ah, Georges. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. Naturellement! In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. O'Malley: Trouble? Edgar Balthazar: Madame, uh-- May I takeyour parcel, Madame? First,to make the magic begin,you wiggleyour noseand tickleyour chin. The horse blocks the road. Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! I simply wantto make my will. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! Here I come! Oh, thank goodness. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? O'Malley: How 'bout youand me, Duchess? He bit my finger! Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. I'll see ya down stream. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! Hey, hold up there. Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! Edgar Balthazar: Oh, another ringer, sir. Toulouse: Good idea, mama. It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. O'Malley: [Chuckles]Now that's quite a family. Roquefort:Oh, now, wait a minute,fellas. In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? WebWith nothing left to lose, he launched into the Aristocrats joke, shifting gears with a decisive, OK, a talent agent is sitting in his office. He goes on for nine minutes and 50 Oh, where am I? [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. So the piano player starts to play. Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. Cheer up. [Humming TuneFrom Carmen]. Jasmine: [singing] We're eventually getting married! Let them in! Look at this! Go get him! (offscreen)Four. Mark Elliott: The "Toy Story: Animated Storybook" and "Toy Story: The Video Game", from Disney Interactive! Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! The fun begins now on video! Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." We're gonnafly after all! Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Edgar, come quickly! [Gasping][Laughing] It's only a tree. Berlioz: Look, guys! The 200 Greatest Singers of All Time You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this joke! Yes! Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". [ Hiccups ]. Duchess: [offscreen] It's time to practiceyour scales and your arpeggios. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. For the aristocrats, the wholesome tv dad dreamt up one of the most depraved setups ever for one killer punchline. Take that! They show aristocatic bearing. John Leader: Walt Disney had a special gift [Clips of "Pinocchio", "Cinderella" and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" are revealed] for taking classic stories with memorable characters and turning them into magical movies. Duchess: Oh. [Snarling,Hissing]. [Metro TrainWhistle Blowing] Oh no, train! ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. 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